Why Getting Started on a College Essay Is Hard (and How You Can Help Your Child Through It)
Updated: Sep 8
I work with high school seniors on college essays, and almost all of them run into writer's block. Many have trouble approaching the work, to begin with. The parents are not sure what is going on--haven't they had eleven years of instruction in writing? The teens have trouble articulating why it is so hard. Suffering continues--sometimes all the way to late November.
To help families cope, here are the three main reasons I see twelfth-graders procrastinate on their essays.
Reason 1: A teen's future self is a mystery (even to themselves)
For the parents, preparing to write a personal statement for colleges (the main essay where a teen talks about themselves) may not seem to be a big deal. Many of us wanted to go away to college. Perhaps you, a parent, were looking forward to more freedom, opportunities to make all kinds of new friends, and the possibility of dating or driving without an ongoing stream of comments from your family.
But many teenagers get stuck on this kind of writing exercise because it is difficult to imagine their future selves. After all, they hadn't lived this life stage. It can also be scary to imagine being away from home, suddenly responsible for themselves, their studies, and their future career.
In my conversations with college applicants, I hear this theme a lot: College is the start of adulthood, and I am not ready for it. Coming of age, for some, brings financial anxiety; others worry about the future of the planet as the teen becomes an adult, sharing responsibility for the environment.
What can a parent do? Reassuring one's child can go a long way. A person in their senior year of high school can benefit from hearing that a parent (or two) will be there for them throughout college and later, in young adulthood. The grownups do not have all the answers to adulthood either, but we can be together through the ups and downs.
A professional college essay coach can also help a young person brainstorm potential positive outcomes for themselves as college students by giving them structured prompts. One thing I do is guide the college applicant in analyzing their present self by exploring their values, interests, and beliefs. For this, I have worksheets that can help a person collect their thoughts and find the right vocabulary for them. This self-discovery can be a satisfying exercise, and it helps begin writing the personal statement.
Reason 2: The personal statement is (fairly) new to most high school seniors
The personal essay is a genre that asks the applicant to convince college admissions officers--perfect strangers--in up to 20 colleges (or more) that they are an excellent candidate for each of these schools.
And yet the last time before 12th grade when most kids had to write a persuasive essay that is only about themselves was... in fifth grade. Most writing in middle and high school is analytical, some of which is research-based. Yes, kids build an argument, but it is not about themselves--rather, a story, poem, or research article.
In the analytical essay, the narrator is deemed to be impartial, and students are encouraged to use first-person singular sparingly. In a personal statement, the perspective is very much the applicant's--their values, beliefs, and interests are the stuff of this essay. In this way, analytical and persuasive essays are polar opposites.
Still, kids are expected to demonstrate proficiency in this genre, and the stakes are high.
What can a parent do? You can encourage your teenager to recall other times when they had to persuade a certain kind of person about something important to them. As a college essay coach, I point out that many teens have had to apply for a summer job or ask someone out. Writing a personal statement is not that different from these situations. I help a student analyze the rhetoric they had to build for these audiences and how they used it.
I also provide students with examples of successful essays. Reading other people's essays can be an excellent way for a young writer to begin to understand the features of the genre, and begin buzzing with ideas.
My students spend part of their time in the beginning of the process on what I call pre-writing. This is where they learn different ways of telling their story. All of this gets them writing longer stretches about themselves.
We also spend a lot of time understanding the seemingly murky task that I will address in more detail below: persuading a particular (but unknown) audience.
Reason 3: Most teenagers don't yet know how to write for an audience
...that isn't their teacher.
Most of us discovered this sometime in school: learning what your instructor wants can be useful for getting a high grade.
On the other hand, the college essay is an exercise in writing for an audience. An audience that is quite different from your child--an adult with five to eight minutes to read their essay. That question of a different life stage enters the room again.
And if that wasn't tricky enough, your child will likely never meet the particular person who will be reading their essay. It feels like solving an equation with two unknowns, except that the reader will remain... well, unknown.
And... they are expected to reveal rather personal details of who they are and what they stand for.
It's enough for a kid to want to throw in the towel (and for some adults to want to do the same). But there are things a parent can do. We can go back to the other examples of persuasive communication: a summer job interview and a conversation in which a teen asks another teen out (and perhaps goes on a date). Both of these times, the addressee wasn't entirely known, but they had to persuade them anyway, and most of us did this anyway. Try asking: What did you do? What worked and what didn't?
You can also help reframe the situation. One great thing about sending the personal statement out is that the reader is anonymous to us. During the application process, your teen does not need to look into the eyes of an interviewer for an internship and nod brightly that, yes, they are completely qualified. They do not need to sit with a person they like over a cup of boba tea or try to impress them.
The delayed communication (all those months between November or December and April 1, when kids hear back from colleges) can also feel liberating.
Both of these factors actually provide the applicant with an opportunity to write freely (and maybe even have some fun with it).
As a coach, in my classes, I encourage the young writer to speak from their heart for an approximate reader and not worry about the particulars. I tell them that the reader is scanning for particular points (those values, beliefs, and interests).
We also spend time reading closely the websites of the colleges and universities where the writer is applying. By reading between the lines and gaining a better understanding of what schools mean with their marketing language, we can tell a lot about the values of a college, what it prioritizes, and what kind of student body it is attempting to build.
The Big Picture
College essays seem like such sweet sorrow, but they do not need to be. For sure, the time of college applications can feel vulnerable and uncertain. But do not underestimate your warmth, calm, and companionship as sources of support to teens. You can also help your child brainstorm for their essays by encouraging them to think about themselves, reading about colleges together, and giving them feedback on their writing.
Since the college essay genre is new to the students and there are many unknowns, I've found that students benefit from a structured, gradual, multi-step approach to writing the essay. As a coach, I provide structured and compassionate guidance at every step--from brainstorming to proofreading.
Teens also say that they like working with an adult who is not their parent; developmentally, they are ready to consult other adults, and it can feel less vulnerable to discuss their essay with an essay coach than with a parent.
If you think your teen would benefit from coaching, please email me at olga(at)olgalivshin(dot)com to get started.
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